harassing the heart

woe are the hearts that are heavy

filled with summer heat

and a lust for sadness 

that can taste bitter-sweet

venus went retrograde and 

now the tides throw me 

back into oceans of exes 

and the loveliest messes

my acupuncturist looks at my tongue 

it’s red 

and swollen 

and then says 

‘your gallbladder is harassing your heart’

and i think

‘your gallbladder is harassing your heart’

even my own internal body and blood

traps and congests 

it’s emotions 

rising up

through deep puddles of heartache

joy, worry, grief, fear, and anger

all the way by veins and into 

that little cave of a chest

where nobody wins, and nobody rests

where even within relationship

we all reach for abandon 

instead of staying and dedicating 

we run 

we escape into hotter dungeons

where our arteries there, burn 

and our gallbladders harass our dear hearts

our gallbladders harass our dear hearts

for losing the chance to heal with another

as we well know 

we’ve outgrown the work of 'alone'

yet always, 

we’re hoping for that ‘other lover’

to take some kind of cover

and as fear accompanies 

the shifts so desired 

it takes more than excitement 

when two conspire

it takes cooling 

and staying

aloe water, mint tea and nurturing 

soft prayers - through discussion

to relieve all the slow-slumbering fire

but even as I lie there with tiny needles in my chest

as if to console the rest of me i express

‘my gallbladder is harassing my heart’

and again, i repeat and digress

‘my gallbladder is harassing my heart’

Let me find...I am your Mama.

Today I lead my heart as it wants to sway and cry and attach to dreams I can't fulfill.

Experiences that are out of reach on my own. 

May I find the other soul that will make it so. 

~*~

And yet, in ten thousand ways I am feeling like I've lost you. 

My child, I have the feeling you want to arrive. And I'm wandering in this world it seems, as though you were taken away. As though you were once mine as then all of a sudden gone. I don't know where you disappeared to..

Someone, something, somehow you were gone. 

My child, I wander in this world searching for you. All I can think is how lost I am without you. My child, my children; never leave.

Mama is here.

Mama is here, right here.

Never leave, never lose me. I am always right here.

Feel my heart how it beats full of you. Of your blood and your breath and your soul and the sparkles that light me up inside are the pieces that will make up you.

Let me find the other half of you. Let us know each other by love, let us know by the sparkles that fly out of us when we're together so we'll recognize our devotion to you. Let us find each other. All over again but different — and new. In this special time and in this special place. Let us find you.

Today my child, my darlings, my children — all of you — my heart beats and body grows and carries but a thousand threaded moments to reach you. A thousand and a million kisses, for your precious face.

I am ready. Countless hugs as strong and as loving will assure you of the wholeness that is your mama. I am your mama.

Yes, I hear you sweet child. I chose you too. Just as you have chosen me.

Everything I that I can, I will do.

I will prepare for you. In the coming weeks.

I feel you with me. 

Yes, I hear you. 

I hear you. 

Thank you for visiting, Thank you for visiting.

Out of reach on my own. Let me find the other half of you. Let us know you by love.

Let us find you.

Here's To...

Here's to How —

How we do not know the way things will turn out

How we don't always see 

exactly when it will all show up

Here's to how we wonder, 

Here's to how we worry

Here is to how much? How many, and however…

However long it takes

Whichever way it decides to get here

I will not worry any longer

However which way, 

However which day

Here's to How

However it may..

quiet desperation

About a month ago, a few days I spent in New York City had me in a constant seek of

quiet desperation. 

After a long day out on a tour bus and sight seeing with colleagues and students I was so eager to find means of solitary refuge. I had skipped going to the Rock observatory which is something I would have liked, no doubt. But instead I scurried away to find myself at the hotel almost ready to burst in tears if I didn’t do exactly what my soul and body was asking for. Granted I was on my moon time and I body was super sensitive with the full moon that had just occurred a day or two prior. I unravelled myself from my bags and extra clothes and quickly plopped myself on the bed for a brief moment.  

Looking around the room, I was lucky enough to find a candle that my room-mate had brought and I lit it to accompany what I decided would be a thirty minute yoga practice. I had my computer and turned on my friend Darren Austin Hall’s sacred sound healing album The Tantra of Truth in in honour of his concert that was taking place that same night in Toronto. His concert was set to begin just as my practice was to complete. Knowing this, and feeling a sense of purpose and connection I was determined to carry out my intention. So in the dark hotel room on the tiniest floor, I began. 

Breathing deeply, arms opening and torso folding. Moving slowly and fully so as to make the most of the select poses I had time for, I felt myself start to chant and speak from the inside. 

quiet desperation. 

after a while all I could really hear and feel was a quiet desperation. 

I was so desperate to feel this, exactly this. Every moment of this practice was so precious. My body wanted so desperately to slow down, to sit and to sink into all of the bliss that comes from taking time to relax and taking time to breathe. To shift within a position - within a pose. 

I obliged. Then I sent love to my friend from a far and tuned into his concert and the beautiful vibrations of his music and grounded myself into that energy so that I could bring it with me on my next little journey. When the thirty minutes quickly came to an end, I felt ready to tackle the city streets at night once more. I thanked the practice, I thanked Darren, and I thanked myself and the quiet desperation for showing up and allowing myself to go into it. 

I set out walking through the beaming lights to meet a friend for dinner. All of a sudden that quiet desperation started to feel good. It started to feel better. It may have started to lift, but I think the real reason that it began to feel better was because I owned it. I liked the sounds it forced in my head - silence. And I liked that when I just surrendered and gave in I expanded. I expanded into the feelings and my whole self filled with space, and love and strength. And my body relaxed more and more into the feelings of this desperation that became more and and more beautiful, with less and less pain. 

We all have times when this is quiet desperation shows up and demands us to be present to it. Sometimes it’s in the way your body anxiously longs for stillness and long slow movement. Sometimes it’s that your body desperately needs to be in motion. There is a longing that creeps in and sits at the base of your pelvis for relaxation, peace and tranquility. Or a vivacious desperation for energy, speed and vibrancy. Whatever the call is, answer it. Surrender and be present a little longer to it. Let it show you the feels. Let the feelings and sensations take you on a journey. It could be for 5 minutes, or an hour, or two days or a month. If you can, go with it. 

light a small candle in a room full of darkness and take the time to discover what that little bit of quiet desperation wants to bring you.