quiet desperation

About a month ago, a few days I spent in New York City had me in a constant seek of

quiet desperation. 

After a long day out on a tour bus and sight seeing with colleagues and students I was so eager to find means of solitary refuge. I had skipped going to the Rock observatory which is something I would have liked, no doubt. But instead I scurried away to find myself at the hotel almost ready to burst in tears if I didn’t do exactly what my soul and body was asking for. Granted I was on my moon time and I body was super sensitive with the full moon that had just occurred a day or two prior. I unravelled myself from my bags and extra clothes and quickly plopped myself on the bed for a brief moment.  

Looking around the room, I was lucky enough to find a candle that my room-mate had brought and I lit it to accompany what I decided would be a thirty minute yoga practice. I had my computer and turned on my friend Darren Austin Hall’s sacred sound healing album The Tantra of Truth in in honour of his concert that was taking place that same night in Toronto. His concert was set to begin just as my practice was to complete. Knowing this, and feeling a sense of purpose and connection I was determined to carry out my intention. So in the dark hotel room on the tiniest floor, I began. 

Breathing deeply, arms opening and torso folding. Moving slowly and fully so as to make the most of the select poses I had time for, I felt myself start to chant and speak from the inside. 

quiet desperation. 

after a while all I could really hear and feel was a quiet desperation

I was so desperate to feel this, exactly this. Every moment of this practice was so precious. My body wanted so desperately to slow down, to sit and to sink into all of the bliss that comes from taking time to relax and taking time to breathe. To shift within a position - within a pose. 

I obliged. Then I sent love to my friend from a far and tuned into his concert and the beautiful vibrations of his music and grounded myself into that energy so that I could bring it with me on my next little journey. When the thirty minutes quickly came to an end, I felt ready to tackle the city streets at night once more. I thanked the practice, I thanked Darren, and I thanked myself and the quiet desperation for showing up and allowing myself to go into it. 

I set out walking through the beaming lights to meet a friend for dinner. All of a sudden that quiet desperation started to feel good. It started to feel better. It may have started to lift, but I think the real reason that it began to feel better was because I owned it. I liked the sounds it forced in my head - silence. And I liked that when I just surrendered and gave in I expanded. I expanded into the feelings and my whole self filled with space, and love and strength. And my body relaxed more and more into the feelings of this desperation that became more and and more beautiful, with less and less pain. 

We all have times when this is quiet desperation shows up and demands us to be present to it. Sometimes it’s in the way your body anxiously longs for stillness and long slow movement. Sometimes it’s that your body desperately needs to be in motion. There is a longing that creeps in and sits at the base of your pelvis for relaxation, peace and tranquility. Or a vivacious desperation for energy, speed and vibrancy. Whatever the call is, answer it. Surrender and be present a little longer to it. Let it show you the feels. Let the feelings and sensations take you on a journey. It could be for 5 minutes, or an hour, or two days or a month. If you can, go with it. 

light a small candle in a room full of darkness and take the time to discover what that little bit of quiet desperation wants to bring you.