Telepathic Haze

I have so much to tell you and I don’t know where to begin. 

I don’t even think I can tell you. 

Not all of it — not like the way the song that’s playing in this restaurant holds my gaze. An equally smooth rendition of John Legend’s ‘All of Me’ by a woman I don’t know named Jasmine. And how John Mayer playing outside the restaurant was abashedly the determining factor of my choice to dine, not the menu. And how this sappy playlist really sounds like it belongs on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy...and I like that enough to stay, and have a taste. 

I want to tell you about how on my way here, a scruffy little dog crossed a busy street as I gasped in horror all just to bite my legs. He scoffed at me with a hysterical bark while I spoke to my grandmother on the phone. I’ve never had a dog attack me before…

There is just so much to tell you and not enough for you to understand through only words. Especially, because it always takes me a few tries to get the sentences coming together just right. 

At this point, I feel like I’ll have to show you it all — as much as I can — with my body. 

Maybe when I dance with you, or make love to you again you’ll be able to know what it felt like to be in my body at that time and place. As a woman-human, this is one of my fiercer desires that leaves me often in dismay…

Or somehow I’ll see you and you’ll look right into my eyes and see, all that I have seen. Maybe in the silence you’ll hear every song that I have heard…

Oh, but I want to tell you. 

At least, I want to try.

And try I might! But I can see it now... 

How flustered and frustrated I can get with my tongue-tied up in mish-mashed words, and barely enough articulation in my sounds — even the most guttural — to express the moments I have been so close with. 

I see it in you, too; The way you so nobly share your stories with an enchanting amount of patience for your mouth to catch up to your mind. The devotion you give to the way the feelings unfold from your heart’s tongue, while you lay all twisted and splayed in my tiny bathtub. 

I see it in me; How I stay as present as can be so that I can feel, hear and sense where you were when you speak about swimming underneath the reflective moonlight, and how you sank to the bottom blowing bubbles from your nose while the universe seemed to engulf you fully in its embrace…

Hmmm…the truth is I saw it you know? 

I felt it, too. 

I want to tell you how this feels. I want you to be able to see, smell and taste it.

I want to show you by placing the palm of my hand on your cheek, on your face. Projecting the images onto the labyrinth of your brain, the screen that is your maze. I want you to know it through time, and through space. Through what I call now: a telepathic haze.

Showing you the unseen and all of the in-between’s through the only thing I can boldly claim as my superpower; love. 

These days it’s the one thing, the only thing…

That pressed up against all of my vulnerability — reveals my quietest…greatest…strength.

Messages for You

So I will rest and wait, and breathe life into you from afar. 

I will breathe life into the spaces that hurt and the places you feel pain. I will do it from afar, so that you'll get the messages from the trees and me; swaying and rustling in the wind. You'll hear my love in the way river flows, and by watching the grass grow. 

Slow down, to me. 

Believe in me, I'm there. 

I have not left you, yet. 

I'm in the sounds of the thunder's electric rush, in another's touch. Even when I'm angry you'll know me there. I'm swinging by your side when you feel the most alive, I'm there when you go for a joy ride. 

Believe in me, my love.

My kisses will be the dreams that brush against your cheeks, when your knees get weak. That's me there. Even in your sadness, you can feel me as the darkness that swallows you; the cries we share.

My embrace is in the sweetest things you taste. It's in all the things you waste. 

I live in all the breaths you take. 

I am with you, from afar.

~vanessa faria

{on the stirrings: inside & around our bones, on top of & underneath our hearts}

What stirs you?

What is it that keeps stirring around in your head so much that it makes you sick?

What is it that pulls you into places that are creaky and hard to reach? So creaky you couldn't possibly make it across quietly, no matter how delicate your steps - the sound will still summon.

Where does your heart swell and your tummy heave? Where does your heart breathe and your mind bleed? 

How do you soothe the dis-ease? Do you fold and keel to the ground after all the pain breaks you, sends you down? Or do you just keep battling, circling, and weaving to no end. Resisting what it is that wants to be. 

If you die, what happens? If the stones, the walls, and the boulders that pretend to secure you crash down underneath and around you...Where would you be? 

Where might you go? 
Who would you see? 

Whence you fall...how gently, how delicately, might you stand back up? 

What's it going to take to break you? 
Because My God, I want to know. 

Is it going to be you? 
Can you do it? 
Not entirely alone, I'm sure.

So who will support you in your breakdown&breakthrough? Who will you choose to unravel all of the knots and bring forth your demons? 

And once it's all over. Once you've winced, and cursed, and cried a hundred times. Once you've gotten through the other side with further strides, will you notice them? 

Will you remember their efforts? 
And will you thank them? 

~ vanessa faria

What it Really Means to Self-Love

Self-love is more than just a day at the spa...Though it just so happens I did spend a day at the spa last week with a couple of very dear friends. We listened to each other’s stories, and connected deeply on a level of understanding about how the work we do for our clients and ourselves takes a very strong commitment to self-care and self-love. It was that very experience at the spa, where I realized that one day of healing waters isn't enough to sustain me day-to-day in the practice of self-loving. In order for us to serve others the way we desire, with love and our highest integrity, we’ve recognized that offering ourselves self-care looks like many different actions and takes on many different forms on a daily basis. 

Let’s start by listing some of the ways we typically hear of how we should include self-love in our lives: 

— Spa day with your friends

— Quit your job and go travel the world

— Buy yourself a fancy new dress

— Splurge on cosmetics 

— etc. etc

(This is not to say that all of the aforementioned ways aren't absolutely incredible, and I that I do think you should incorporate as many of them as your heart and soul desires!)

However, I’m all about remembering to be grounded and actively participating in this exquisite human life. This exquisite human life, that sometimes demands we do very mundane, human life tasks. 

I want to make it clear that self-love is not about finding ways to escape your everyday problems. 

Self-love is about alchemizing your everyday problems, into magical and incredible everyday experiences. 

I also want to highlight how, with the right attitude, these very basic human life tasks we have to do all add up, surmounting to a very incredible amount of self-care and self-love even though they can be boring, tedious, or mundane. Let’s take a look at some of the things that might seem monotonous daily practices, but that are also pieces of your daily self-love and care regime. 

— Household chores: washing the dishes, sweeping, cleaning, organizing, purging

— Home improvement: renos, decorating, fixing

— Cosmetic: nail filing, moisturizing, shaving, waxing, scrubbing (whatever floats your fancy)

— Finances: Accounting, taxes, filing

— Creating: writing, singing, dancing, playing, photographing, filming, acting, painting

Now, you may think that the daily chores of dishes, mending clothes, or cooking meals are not the incredible trip to Bali that all your friends are going on for their holiday getaways, however, on a daily basis we are caring for ourselves by getting our chores done. For instance, take accounting; we can do our taxes with the appreciation that we were able to buy many things over the last year, and with the understanding that abundance in monetary form is a blessing. Acting as such allows you to receive and care for yourself more in the future. It can be a source of empowerment if you let it be, rather than a means of discouragement and irritation.

After a very plain old Sunday spent at home, one of my housemates mentioned that she often thinks about how almost everything we do on a daily basis is done with the intention of self-sustenance. We go to work so that we can make money to feed ourselves. We mend our clothes so we can wear them again. We sleep so that we have the energy to wash, rinse and repeat. This may sound pretty dull to you, but I want you to know that isn’t dull at all when you change your perspective from, ‘I have to do this just to survive’ to, ‘I am doing this because I care about myself enough to create and live another day.’

Because here is the truth; when I don’t do my laundry, or sweep the floors, or finish my taxes, I feel like I’m living in a mess…that mess trickles into how I experience my life on all fronts. When I do my laundry and sweep the floors, I have a clean space to work, I get things done, I’m more creative, I invite friends over (I’m more social), I feel good, and I definitely love myself more. 

Even when I go to the gym and lift weights, I feel better.

I just spent a month waking up 2-3 times a week really early to get my ass to a circuit class at my place of work. I unofficially took part in my own ‘November challenge.’ 

Being a dancer and a full time entrepreneur/freelance artist is a very tricky thing to balance, so I wanted to show myself that I could stay strong, healthy, and feel good without having to take dance class everyday. (Because the truth is, I can’t afford to take dance class every single day right now.) Throughout the month I had moments of “I hate this, I’m going to throw up, and I can’t do it,” but by the end of the month I’m feeling healthier and I’ve learned so much from my co-workers about fitness through their new challenges. 

I also discovered that I really do like lifting weights. I find it so empowering to feel strong as a woman! 

The most clarity I’ve received from a steady workout regime where I’m constantly being challenged is that being physically stronger allows me to open up to being more vulnerable in other facets of my life.

I feel I’ve made quite a shift, not only physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Now that’s just one example (my most recent and personal example), of what self-love can look like and what it can create and make space for in your life. 

Ultimately, self-love means a deeply rooted commitment to yourself. It means doing what you know you truly want to do always, and sticking to it long enough so that you can reap the incredible benefits, from the mundane to the marvelous. 

It means not being a people-pleaser in the plainest terms. The only exception should be that you aim to please yourself.

It means taking responsibility for your emotions, your thoughts, and your current creations. It means loving yourself just enough so that you can show up and get things done. It means loving yourself enough so that you can serve others, once you’ve served yourself. 

It means breaking down the foundations and restrictions that hold you back, so that you can be revealed and unleashed in the most pivotal ways. 

It means remembering who you are and what you love. Remembering to always ask yourself — What makes you happy? What do you desire?

It means refining and creating more of that in your life, right now. 

Self-love means committing to new levels of health. For me, it means more acupuncture. For others, it means less late-night partying. 

For you, maybe self-love means a new supplement to your diet, or cutting out that extra cup of coffee.
It may mean more water, or a new herbal tea. 

It may mean setting up 20 minutes of meditation or spiritual practice each day, and less tv. 

It may mean swaying away from things that are violent.

It may mean letting go of connections that are collecting dust.

It may mean listening to your heart and traveling across the world alone on Christmas when everyone else is with their families. 

It may mean signing up to work with a mentor, or spiritual guide and energy worker. 

It may mean quitting your job and starting your own business. 

It may mean that you pick up that pencil again and start writing. 

It may mean you start to sing down the street and care not what anyone thinks. 

It may mean you no longer need to shop at high priced trendy stores, and you become best fiends with the treasures of thrift.

It may mean you make your own superfood hot chocolate as opposed to drinking the crappy store-bought version.

It may mean you start a savings account.
It may mean you move out. It may mean you break up. 

It may mean you surrender and let them win. 

Whatever it is for you, it will be different for someone else. Self-love takes on many forms. 

Only you know best what you need to feel fully and completely loved within yourself. 

The problem is we’re often not quiet enough to hear, and we don’t feel capable enough to listen and act accordingly. Let me tell you at the very least that, you do deserve it. 

You do deserve to listen to your heart. You do deserve happiness in all its forms and manifestations. You do deserve to move through all the difficult things and come out on top, shining and feeling forever-free.

And the only reason I can fully say that, is because I deserve it too…

and I have, and I will. 

If I can do it, if I can look fear in the face every single day of my adult life and tell it that I love it so much, I want it to rest and play right near me, all while I keep moving forward no matter what — then, so can you. 

If I can listen to my heart when my mind wants to abandon, sabotage and drop everything, then so can you. 

If I deserve to move through all the shittiest, crappiest feelings that spiral out of control for no reason other than to teach me some badass and bold lessons — 

then my darlings…so can you.

And you have, and you will.

With love, 

Vanessa

Edited by: Moriah Stendel

Building Self-Trust through Heart-centered Solo Practices

Daily individual practice enables you to trust the personal courage that lies within you.

Your body has an intelligence that is clear and precise in its own needs, integrity and desires. When you are in the middle of your yoga practice and your body whispers, “Move slow,” it is literally seducing you with your own internal desire. How often are you open and quiet enough to hear that part of you? When was the last time you listened and honoured that whisper by slowing down your movements? 

Maybe you are working all day at your desk computer and your body starts to stiffen with tension — your shoulders are rising in an effort to communicate that you need to relax, let go, take a break and move around. Its contractions are physical ways of screaming,“You’re choking me!” 

When was the last time you walked away from your desk for ten minutes to stretch and take a few deep breaths so that you could truly feel more grounded and at ease within your body while you work? 

When I am practicing in any space alone, I am forced to quiet all of the distractions. My emotions, my body, my mind, my spirit, and my soul are all ecstatic to have a chance to finally share with me through clear and direct influence. The way I slide on the ground and shift my weight from my legs to my hands with careful placement, or the way I slosh and roll on the floor in order to feel closer to the earth takes me on a courageous journey. Each movement gives me feedback. Each time I listen to where my body wants me to go, I am nurturing a deeper sense of self-trust. 

I open myself to trust. 

I am trusting my body to guide me. 

My highest heart leads me towards divinity. 

When I practice trusting my movements and my impulses exploring through the creation of physical shapes, I awaken and enliven certain sensations or feelings that I never knew I could stand tall in. I release unwanted pain by spending time lovingly creating space for it to dissolve. This let’s me walk closer to the place of ease and freedom that comes from letting my highest self lead the way. 

Many of us have a hard time trusting anything or anyone, and so it’s really no surprise that we lack the trust required to bring our own selves to harmony. We are so hardwired to ignore our physical sensations and numb out our emotions that we jump straight into our heads and analyze every little piece of information before our true guidance gets to speak its wisdom. Before our true guidance gets a chance to lead us into light. 

When we find ourselves overwhelmed with thoughts, possible stories or outcomes, we experience more fear, more anxiety, more confusion and more discomfort in all aspects of our lives. We begin to second guess every single feeling, thought, creation, or sensation and we mistake everything for a “logical” decision. Logic is wonderful, and at times necessary but your logic will not be in integrity and truth if you are not grounded, connected to your heart and trusting your inner wisdom. 

If you are not fully present to your body and its intelligence sharing of what it truly needs and desires, then your logical mind will confuse you or possibly even lead you astray. It is the feeling of internal torment that keeps you up at night, or keeps you from jumping out of bed in the morning for fear of failure. It’s what happens when you’re in the midst of creating something wonderful but you’ll second-guess yourself until you’ve quit. The conflict between body, heart, soul and your mind will be tormenting and debilitating for a long time if you don’t make space to coax your mental chatter into quieting and trusting the other loving parts of you. 

When you’re practicing solo here are a few ways to nurture and awaken your self-trust:

1. Close your eyes and ground in your current state. Wherever you’ve just been, whatever you’ve just done — recognize where it lingers in the body. Allow the emotion or the thought to receive the acknowledgement it seeks from you, and then let it fade. Transition into the focus of physical sensations, and any time your mind starts to take you backwards or forwards in time, remind yourself of where you are and what you are presently doing (moving through yoga poses in your room, dancing to music in a studio, sitting at a coffee shop writing out your feelings.) Let that again become the focus and immerse yourself in the doing; in the expansion of expression.

2. Use your breath to steady your mental rhythm. Breathing is something we all do naturally. But you will find once you start to incorporate a practice that focuses on observing or steadying your breath that there are places where you hold your breath, or where you breathe a little shallow. You might find that all of your breaths are quick and sharp, or maybe they are long and lethargic. You can let your physical actions or movements be moved by breath, or you can let your breath initiate your movements. Let yourself play, allowing your body to move with the inspiration and exhalation of your breathing.

3. Use your body like an instrument. Movement is an expression of what is inside of you, and using your body as though you are creating music is a great way of understanding what is within. An incredible ballet teacher of mine, Christine Wright, always says to me, “Use your body as if you are singing a song. Tell me a story.” This helped me truly connect to what my body was feeling and how it wanted to express itself through movement. As you move your body, pretend that you are singing beautiful melodies. There are no wrong notes. Your body is the perfect instrument and the movement that you make, is the music. You can even sing aloud or hum softly to create a vibration from your vocal chords, making it really easy to listen to your most genuine sounds.

4. Have a loving conversation with yourself. In the moments of your practice when you’re feeling tense, or stuck and you want to ditch the practice altogether to go eat a slice of pizza or just take a nap instead… tell yourself that you want to work together. Let your higher self know that you don’t want to fight, ditch or resist. Remind yourself why you’re there, fully present and wanting to trust what it has to share. Tell yourself you’re willing to try and be quiet enough to listen, to move in the directions and follow the paths that your heart is desiring. Speak words of kindness in your mind, or out loud and let yourself truly resonate with the vibrations of those love-affirming words.

5. Be consistent and practice daily. A consistent practice where you get to become fully present and connect to your whole self is an absolute necessity to developing a strong and loving sense of self-trust. Do this over and over again, with very a humble and receptive heart until you wake up in the morning feeling fully ready and open for what’s to come each day. Continue developing trust for what you know to be true inside of your highest heart, committing each day to doing the best you can.

There will be moments of this practice where it feels off, where it feels strained or fake. You may encounter discomfort in places that represent feeling stuck and broken, pained and lost. Let yourself work through what arises, and be there for yourself in times of resistance. The only person who can fully support you in building self-trust is yourself.

Work with yourself setting the intention that brings you the ability to listen, to discern, to create; to guide, to follow and to lead.

Do these practices consistently for at least five days and you will notice that when you’re walking down the street you feel more trusting of your balance, or that your mind, body, and spirit are now starting to play, communing together. You’ll see how they start to more frequently offer you exciting and daring opportunities than usual because they know that you will trust them enough to take the leap! Allow your heart to fully open in your practices, coax yourself into letting go of the internal rigidity that keeps you from living fully. There is no better time than right now for nurturing your own self-trust. 

If you desire more guidance and support in your journey through self-trust please contact Vanessa for your complimentary 30 minute Soul Therapist consultation. 

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Edited by: Moriah Stendel