harassing the heart

woe are the hearts that are heavy

filled with summer heat

and a lust for sadness 

that can taste bitter-sweet

venus went retrograde and 

now the tides throw me 

back into oceans of exes 

and the loveliest messes

my acupuncturist looks at my tongue 

it’s red 

and swollen 

and then says 

‘your gallbladder is harassing your heart’

and i think

‘your gallbladder is harassing your heart’

even my own internal body and blood

traps and congests 

it’s emotions 

rising up

through deep puddles of heartache

joy, worry, grief, fear, and anger

all the way by veins and into 

that little cave of a chest

where nobody wins, and nobody rests

where even within relationship

we all reach for abandon 

instead of staying and dedicating 

we run 

we escape into hotter dungeons

where our arteries there, burn 

and our gallbladders harass our dear hearts

our gallbladders harass our dear hearts

for losing the chance to heal with another

as we well know 

we’ve outgrown the work of 'alone'

yet always, 

we’re hoping for that ‘other lover’

to take some kind of cover

and as fear accompanies 

the shifts so desired 

it takes more than excitement 

when two conspire

it takes cooling 

and staying

aloe water, mint tea and nurturing 

soft prayers - through discussion

to relieve all the slow-slumbering fire

but even as I lie there with tiny needles in my chest

as if to console the rest of me i express

‘my gallbladder is harassing my heart’

and again, i repeat and digress

‘my gallbladder is harassing my heart’

Let me find...I am your Mama.

Today I lead my heart as it wants to sway and cry and attach to dreams I can't fulfill.

Experiences that are out of reach on my own. 

May I find the other soul that will make it so. 

~*~

And yet, in ten thousand ways I am feeling like I've lost you. 

My child, I have the feeling you want to arrive. And I'm wandering in this world it seems, as though you were taken away. As though you were once mine as then all of a sudden gone. I don't know where you disappeared to..

Someone, something, somehow you were gone. 

My child, I wander in this world searching for you. All I can think is how lost I am without you. My child, my children; never leave.

Mama is here.

Mama is here, right here.

Never leave, never lose me. I am always right here.

Feel my heart how it beats full of you. Of your blood and your breath and your soul and the sparkles that light me up inside are the pieces that will make up you.

Let me find the other half of you. Let us know each other by love, let us know by the sparkles that fly out of us when we're together so we'll recognize our devotion to you. Let us find each other. All over again but different — and new. In this special time and in this special place. Let us find you.

Today my child, my darlings, my children — all of you — my heart beats and body grows and carries but a thousand threaded moments to reach you. A thousand and a million kisses, for your precious face.

I am ready. Countless hugs as strong and as loving will assure you of the wholeness that is your mama. I am your mama.

Yes, I hear you sweet child. I chose you too. Just as you have chosen me.

Everything I that I can, I will do.

I will prepare for you. In the coming weeks.

I feel you with me. 

Yes, I hear you. 

I hear you. 

Thank you for visiting, Thank you for visiting.

Out of reach on my own. Let me find the other half of you. Let us know you by love.

Let us find you.

Empty chairs, Full spirits

I look at the chair across this wooden table on my rooftop. And for a moment I pretend that it were filled with my beloved. 

But right now as it stands, it’s an empty wooden chair. It’s old and it’s partially broken.

And as lonely as that might seem to be. As lonely as that’s often made me, today — it doesn’t. 

There’s a calmness in my heart. There’s a lift in my spirit today that is nourished by the sun rays beating down on my chest and legs. Sunbathing in my lingerie. I feel the heat on my palest skin. And it warms just like a body would. 

It doesn’t mean I’m sitting here imagining what you might be — as I often do — instead I don’t care what you might be like or how you show up. Instead the romance here lies in the way I live. The way I live with conscious knowing; you are here. You are here with me. Today you are here with me. You must be. For, without you my heart couldn’t possibly feel so complete.

Not always made by physical, tangible presence sometimes it’s another kind that we are seeking. Of someone, of some place. 

It’s more like the presence of knowing that holds our gaze. 

And today I feel my lover sitting there, even though there is no true embrace. 

I can’t help but think that my clarity in this moment is for holding on to memories I will share with you. They are part of the stories I will tell you. The stories we will tell each other of how long we both have waited. Searched. Found. Let go of. Hoped for. Called out and remembered again. 

A final time. 

It is one of my deepest hopes that the one out there feels and retains with similar intentions; To share with each other at a later date. 

That they know as well as I do, they’ll be finding me someday.